Today has been a long, uneventful day and I’m exhausted. The flight was uncharacteristically rough for me and I still feel like my body hasn’t recovered. I’ve had a headache, sinus pain, joint pain and muscle pain since I’ve arrived here, and that was before the dreaded CT Scan.
Side Note: Unfortunately I forgot the stickers I wanted to add to this machine. I asked the CT Tech if this was CTCA’s only machine, and funny enough she said they have two, but the other one has no stickers on it. Someone put a sticker on the machine during the scan, and it just grew from there. But once they bought their second machine, stickers were forbidden from the new one.
Scanxiety. Every cancer patient understands what I mean. Surprisingly I’m less anxious than I’ve ever been since this all began nearly 2 years ago. In theory, this one is quite possibly the most important one of them all.
If the scan is good…
If it’s all clear, life moves forward with a little more ease. I still will be doing alternative treatments as finances allow, but I can do so with the knowledge that the once or twice a month IVC and bi-weekly acupuncture is enough. I can continue taking a reduced amount of supplementation, as what I was doing before was breaking the bank a bit. Nothing really changes with my diet. A plant-based routine like mine is fairly inexpensive and typically consists of fruits, salads, veggies, avocados, nuts, seeds and smoothies every day. I don’t get sick of it because I feel better than I ever have since switching to this diet. Plus it’s pretty easy to be boring and routined and eat virtually the same things every day.
If the scan is bad…
Many people I know are praying and believing for a clear scan. Trust me, so am I. But there’s a chance the scan isn’t clear. Six months ago I had a lot of dead cancer removed from my body. Pathology reports said all but one small tumor was dead cancer. However, I haven’t had any scans since about 7 months ago. It’s possible something is growing somewhere.
So, in case it is… I still move forward… but life turns back into the unknown. More alternatives more often. More supplementation. More trips to Chicago. More protein therapy possibly. Maybe something else. Still no chemo though, as the numbers just can’t help reach overall healing versus living longer. Hopefully I can figure out a flexible work schedule without going on short term disability.
And that’s scanxiety in a nutshell. You think about every possibility in the 5 minutes you’re slid in and out of the machine. As it starts spinning, you think about your kids, your wife, your family, and everything this scan means to them too. Your future riding on a 5 minute test.
Luckily, I’m holding up pretty well under the circumstances. I get results tomorrow and I’ll go from there. Whether it’s good news or bad news, I’ll figure out a way to heal and continue to provide for my family.
One thing is for sure… I am definitely more in tune with my body this time around. The CT contrast + Iodine + Radiation made me feel absolutely horrible, unlike ever before. I took my NAC supplement to help protect my kidneys from exposure, but now I have to filter all this junk out of my body. Fluids are my friend right now. Fun fact: My hotel key cards were in my backpack in the CT room, about 20 feet from the machine. When I returned to the hotel, both cards wouldn’t open my door. The first thing the concierge asked was if I had a CT scan today.
As I was riding back from the hospital in the hotel shuttle, an outline for my venture into writing hit me. I love when epiphanies hit hard, as trivial as they may be. Note: This is a very rough draft.
- Title of Book: Mikey Versus Cancer
- Mikey Versus Authorship
- Mikey Versus Childhood
- Mikey Versus Crohn’s Disease
- Mikey Versus Anxiety & Stress
- Mikey Versus The Standard American Diet
- Mikey Versus Perforation
- Mikey Versus The Phone Call
- Mikey Versus Death
- Mikey Versus Chemotherapy
- Mikey Versus Conventional Wisdom
- Mikey Versus Fear
- Mikey Versus Naturopathy
- Mikey Versus Acupuncture
- Mikey Versus Reiki
- Mikey Versus Diet, Lifestyle & Supplementation
- Mikey Versus Surgery
- Mikey Versus Radical Remission
- Mikey Versus _________
Every time I think about writing this book, it’s always met with this inner voice that says, “Why do you need to write yet another book about cancer? What makes you an expert? Why do you think anyone would read it?” It’s funny how we fight our own inner negativity for things we want to do with our lives.
Truthfully, I do feel inadequate to write a book. I’m not an author. I dabble in writing a blog, but it’s far from english major grammar. When I finally find the time to start, I’ll likely second guess everything I write.
I’m definitely not an expert in writing, but I am an expert in what it feels like to have the whole world flipped upside down on you just when you should be hitting your stride of adulthood. I know what it feels like to fear death. I know what it feels like to beg to be healed. I know what it feels like to be told I’ll die before my kids graduate middle school.
And I know what it feels like to somehow find the hope amidst all of that darkness. Hopefully something I write helps someone else find it too.
I Am Greater Than Cancer.
I Am Wonderfully Made